Daria Grabda:– The books about the mysterious Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have been translated into dozens of languages and have sold millions of copies. Polish women, too, were fascinated by the couple’s erotic adventures, which quite often involve whips, spanking, and punishment. Where does this longing among women to be dominated by a man come from?
Michał Lew-Starowicz: – I think several factors contributed to the book’s popularity. Although from a literary craft perspective it is not high-flying prose, it describes the most common sexual fantasies in a simple and literal way. The pages of the novel feature a man who arouses desire—strong, confident, seductive, often described by women as a “dying breed.” All of this is embellished with elements of alluring scenery and luxury. The book piqued readers’ interest, and effective marketing did the rest. By breaking taboos and opening up the world of sexual fantasies, such literature inspired many women to talk about their sexual needs and fantasies, not just those falling within the BDSM genre [see glossary—ed. note]. For a time, reports emerged suggesting that sexual activity in relationships had increased under the influence of books or films about Grey. And many other titles in this genre found their way into bookstores.
High on the list of hidden sexual desires is also the male desire for a woman to dominate in bed. Many men would gladly turn into a docile lamb, let themselves be tied up, and even lightly roughhoused. Yet they do not express these desires, believing that doing so would undermine their masculinity. Why is this the case?
– The shame stems from the fact that men’s masochistic fantasies do not fit the dominant stereotype of masculinity. It should be remembered, however, that for many people, sexual fantasies are very attractive as long as they remain… in the realm of fantasy. In other words, a man’s fantasy of submission may express a desire for greater erotic initiative on the part of his partner, while a woman’s fantasy of being dominated may express a desire for greater decisiveness, creativity, and seduction on the part of her partner. Most couples act out at most a fraction of the behavioral repertoire they’ve read about in books, and this is by no means due to inhibitions or a lack of courage.
Why is it so hard to tell your partner about your fantasies?
– Out of fear of judgment, rejection, offending, or hurting our partner. We also don’t talk about it because of difficulty accepting our own sexual preferences and fears about where they might lead the relationship. We fear the breakdown of the family, that our fantasies will be exposed, and that we will be stigmatized by those around us. Moreover, we generally aren’t able to talk about sex.
How, then, should we talk about sex?
- Ideally, in an open and direct manner, but with tact and respect for each other’s boundaries. If sexual problems arise, avoid blaming each other and focus on solving the difficulties together.
What does the need for submission or dominance in sex express?
– For some couples, it may be a desire to establish a more traditional division of male and female roles, necessary to ignite desire in an era of ubiquitous “50-50” partnerships. For others, however, it may be a need to reverse these roles. The result is a clear division of submissive and dominant roles. Roles can also change—“you dominate on Monday, and I dominate on Tuesday”—as a form of playful subversion of convention. The need to assume roles of dominance and submission, especially if they constitute a relatively consistent pattern, may be linked to experiences from the period of psychosexual development, relationships with loved ones, interaction patterns observed in the environment, and one’s own sexual experiences. Dominance and submission can manifest verbally, in gestures, sexual behaviors, as well as in the costumes and props used.
When do such needs become a disorder?
– When submission and dominance become the primary means of arousal, essential for achieving sexual satisfaction. And at the same time, they are a source of suffering, usually due to difficulties in fulfilling sexual needs within the relationship.
What about BDSM relationships where both partners agree that one dominates and the other is submissive?
– The couple can enjoy fulfilling sex provided that both individuals accept the ways in which they express dominance and submission to one another.
Who usually initiates intimacy in such a relationship?
– This is part of an agreed-upon convention, which can also change depending on what the partners agree upon or decide spontaneously. Both the dominant and submissive partners can initiate and plan the scenario for intimacy. The manner of initiating sexual contact can also be part of the dominance and submission dynamic, e.g., the submissive partner “asks” for sex, endures humiliation, while the dominant partner issues commands and orders. The expression of dominance and submission can vary. They may be expressed, for example, solely through the initiation of intimacy, in the verbal sphere, or in the choice of a sexual position that emphasizes the division of roles, as well as in the form of more elaborate scenarios involving appropriate settings, costumes, techniques, and props related to restraint, controlled infliction of pain, and gaining control over the partner’s body…
When is the line crossed?
– A sexual relationship based on domination and submission is particularly delicate in nature, as it relies on at least a partial surrender of control to the partner. The line that should never be crossed is the lack of consent from one partner regarding a specific type of sexual behavior or practice involving them. Thus, the submissive partner actually also controls what happens in such a sexual relationship, even if they are physically deprived of such control, e.g., by being restrained. A risky situation arises when one partner has difficulty controlling boundaries, leading to harm to the partner or self-abuse, the consequences of which—such as lowered self-esteem, mood disorders, and difficulty withdrawing from painful sexual practices—may be experienced with a delay. The use of various forms of inflicting pain or choking also carries risks, as they can cause injuries, burns, or hypoxia.
When should you consult a specialist?
– First, when sexual preferences hinder the experience of satisfying sexual relationships. Second, when there are concerns about the safety of partners, when they have difficulty agreeing on the nature of their relationship, or when, for various reasons, one of them experiences distress during sexual contact.
"Charaktery" No. 9 (248), September 2017, pp. 44–47
Interviewed by: Daria Grabda
