ESQUIRE: Sexual incompatibility is sometimes cited as an official cause of divorce. Does incompatibility in the bedroom destroy a relationship?
MICHAŁ LEW-STAROWICZ: Of course. Sexual life is important on many levels. It deepens intimacy between partners, allows for broadly defined pleasure and sexual fulfillment, and serves as a form of exchange within the relationship. Add to that biological and evolutionary factors. People also pair up based on mutual sexual attraction, commonly known as “chemistry.”
What percentage of couples have problems with sexual incompatibility?
It’s hard to find statistics because no one has conducted such research. We can examine this phenomenon from various perspectives. If we’re talking about “chemistry,” many factors related to the perception of mutual attraction are responsible for pairing, including the famous pheromones. This leads to greater desire. Couples who do not naturally experience this tend to face greater difficulties. However, unlike animals, humans can modify their sexual attractiveness by using perfumes, lotions, hair removal, and plastic surgery (e.g., breast augmentation). In this way, they alter their natural sexual appeal.
A patient comes to the doctor and…
A female patient. She says her sex life with her partner isn’t working out. The relationship has lasted many years. She claims she’s frigid because she doesn’t want to have sex as often as he does. And suddenly she meets someone else. Everything changes; she’s constantly in the mood for sex. She declares, “No one has ever attracted me this much.” But were this woman and her previous partner really incompatible? No, because if they were, they wouldn’t have stayed together for so long. They were connected by other things, like closeness, friendship, a similar worldview, and the desire to start a family.
But what if the mismatch is extreme? One person wants to have sex traditionally, while their partner, for example, only wants it in a BDSM style. Does that necessarily mean a breakup?
Everyone makes this decision individually. It all depends on how high sex ranks in our hierarchy of needs. Often, differences in temperament don’t become apparent at the beginning of a relationship. The first phase of falling in love means that both partners often feel like having sex, and this is beneficial for the development of the bond. But after two years, one person still wants to make love every day, while the other’s libido returns to the “pre-infatuation” level—meaning once a week. Some couples will decide that such a mismatch spells the end of the relationship, while others will say: “Well, it’s a shame—things could be better in bed—but the main thing is that we love and understand each other; sex isn’t the most important thing for us.” Everyone has different needs and a different temperament, and sexual compatibility is never black and white. Erotic intelligence also helps people. Over time, we can develop different scenarios, explore our sexuality as a couple, and seek out various forms of fulfillment.
Let’s clarify, just to be sure, what this sexual incompatibility is all about?
It’s a situation where there’s a clear disconnect between needs regarding the frequency or quality of sexual encounters in a relationship. Note: this doesn’t always have to be a permanent problem! Many couples face temporary mismatches. A classic example is parents of a young child. After giving birth, a woman needs time to recover, and her involvement in raising the child means she thinks less about sex.
What should you do if you have a problem with sexual incompatibility in your relationship?
Start with a one-on-one conversation. But it shouldn’t involve blaming or wallowing in self-pity. The goal is a factual assessment of what’s happening, what’s causing the problem, what our needs and expectations are, and finally: what we can do. For couples where routine is the cause, a good and simple idea is a regular date. Creating a special atmosphere just for the two of you, getting away from troubles and everyday life, a short trip. It may happen that, without any special conversations, they’ll have satisfying sex. And if that doesn’t help, it’s worth seeing a sex therapist, because if the problem escalates, the distance between partners may grow.
Does it start with an argument over a loan and end with accusations that we’re bad in bed?
Or the other way around. It starts with an argument about sex or the lack thereof, and ends up affecting other areas. The sooner we start talking about sexual problems, the better, because otherwise they may begin to negatively impact other areas of life. And make being together difficult or even impossible.
"Esquire" No. 04 July/August 2017, p. 28
